The Satanist and The Communion Wafer

This story was just too good not to share.
A Satanist in Oklahoma City planned to use a stolen communion wafer in a “black mass.” He wanted to exorcise Christ and infuse the devil. That’s pretty amusing to people like us, right?
In all fairness, I don’t think stealing the Catholic church’s sacred host was the right thing to do. I know: we think it’s all silly stuff, but church peeps don’t find it funny. They’ve encountered this theft of the host for hundreds of years, and it’s a grave sin. During medieval times (not to be confused with the entertainment eatery), some congregants would remove the host from the church and take it to their sick relatives; they would sprinkle it over their gardens to help crops grow; they would sell it or they would use it to cure animals. For this reason, priests started placing the hosts directly on the tongue during communion. I suspect the Church just didn’t want the average Joe or Josie to have The Power.
Seeing that humans no longer believe in alchemy and magic powers, I’m not sure why the Catholic Church still believes that humans can summon JC into foodstuffs. I’m also not sure why the church needs to lock up the communion wafers once they are god-infused. Isn’t God mighty? Why does he need protection in a locked tabernacle until it’s snack time? You mean, God can’t even defend himself? Wow. How the hell could he create the world in six days or answer prayers?
It’s funny to think that an all-powerful God can be summoned by lowly, sinful humans into the stuff we eat. You wonder why the light hasn’t come on: Hey, Father Joe. Can you guess who the God really is in this picture? 
It’s also funny to me that you or I can walk into any church tomorrow and pocket the host. We don’t need a license or certificate to walk up to the altar and stick our tongues or hands out. We don’t look any different from our Christian friends. Sure, we’re not supposed to do this, but there’s no law against walking into a church and participating in its rites.
There are many Catholics who say, “I don’t believe in all that transubstantiation hooey.”

Great! Then my question is: Why do you believe in all the other hooey?

20 responses to “The Satanist and The Communion Wafer

  1. I gather that whether it was actually stolen is contested. But I suppose the Church will always consider it stolen.

  2. Part of my turn to atheism began at about age 12. Body of Christ? Blood of Christ? You’ve got to be kidding. It’s a cracker and grape juice! Hard to fool a 12-year-old.

  3. Knock wood and chant to that slot machine. Long story short. Years ago while in the throws of leaving my religion, accepting my sexuality and trying to separate from my growing up family I thought I could win enough money gambling to suffice my parents financial woes. Luckily I learned the odds of the casinos and the bogus bullshit of religion and let go of that potentially disabling addiction. When ever my mom visits we always set aside time to go to the casino ; ) . . . oh and I am the only sibling that plays the lotto religiously ; ). I am fully aware of the odds.

    doing my best

  4. Communion was the best part of church because eating that dry, tasteless cracker was the most exciting thing to happen during that long, boring hour.

  5. I remember being excited for communion in the Lutheran church because I got to drink wine at 13. I didn’t even care about it allegedly becoming The Late J.C.’s blood.

    • @siriusbizinus Someone in the RCC told me that the wine is specifically made for the church and that it has a higher alcohol content to stop the spread of germs in the cup. Thought that was interesting. The wine always tasted good to me!

  6. God and Jesus, worst food additives ever! I keep getting stuck on the phrase “You are what you eat” at this point, but I avoid telling that to theists in case they start to develop a god-complex.

    I think tradition and mysticism play a central role into why this ridiculous fad continues. Bread as a staple of life goes back millennia, and the alcohol in wine made it a bit safer to drink than water during certain periods… plus it kind of looks like blood. For myself, I tend to shy away cannibalism in any form.

    • Derrick. LOL. Funny. You mean God and JC aren’t antioxidants? Yes, perhaps tradition is the reason why these rituals continue–and the fact that many people just follow like lost sheep without giving much thought to their cannibalism.

  7. I’ve had a difficult time feeling much empathy in this case. I know the planned festivities will be deeply offensive to almost all in Oklahoma, but as I wrote after reading the story, the way they feel when they see this happen on public property is akin to how we feel to watch our government funded buildings and taxes go to promote their religion. We find it repulsive and perceive the threat at the core. When pro-separation people speak on the subject, we try to explain that they also open the door to what they don’t want. They shout us down. Then the Satanists come along and say, “Let’s prove it to you.” I think of them as the clean up crew. We warn. They ignore. Satanists make our worst case scenario come true. It’s kind of like a volleyball game. Bump, Set, Strike.

  8. “There are many Catholics who say, ‘I don’t believe in all that transubstantiation hooey.’

    “Great! Then my question is: Why do you believe in all the other hooey?”

    Yep. I have numerous friends who are “Cafeteria Catholics” and seem to be very proud of it. “I take what I want, and leave the rest,” they say. I don’t get it. Why even call yourself a Catholic, then? However ludicrous religion is, at least you can (sort of) respect someone who is unwavering in their faith, but people who blatantly cherry-pick, and laugh about it? I think I tend to have less respect for them.

  9. LOL . . . BSS callheadquarters. Unfortunately mormons only offered water and white bread. I would smoosh the bread especially when dry to make it edible. Fast sundays where the worst! That bread was so damn good ; )

  10. This post really cracked me up. You know, with the right delivery, this would make a great stand-up comedy routine. The possibilities are endless.

  11. **** OFF TOPIC, but kind of related ****

    Here is someone who clearly has no concept of what makes atheists angry. It’s a blanket stereotype that is flat-out wrong.

    Kevin Sorbo being a typical theist:

  12. Oh brother. (eye roll) Thanks for posting this, Derrick. This topic may need a post to address.

    First, as you said, because atheists “argue” or disagree with the idea of god, does not make us angry. Even stupid people like Kevin Sorbo don’t make me angry, though I do just shake my head. His argument doesn’t even make sense: “Atheists, he claimed, secretly believe that God exists, and are upset with him because they know he is going to judge them.”

    So, we believe that god exists and will give us a pass to eternal life and heaven if we give him the nod, but instead, because he “judges” humans, we decide to reject his very existence. Of course, we have no idea how that “judging” is supposed to manifest itself.

    Only the mentally ill believe there’s an invisible man watching them. Only narcissists would believe, if you don’t think exactly as I do, then you are in denial.

    • To add onto your narcissist statement, it is also narcissistic to think the most powerful creature in the universe has nothing better to do than sit around and count how many times a person touches his/herself in an “unsanctified” manner. That is truly egocentrism and hubris.

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