If Jesus Went to College

*Warning: This material is meant only for entertainment. If you are god-fearing in any way, please stop reading here.

I was going to write about the idea of redemption and Carlos Danger, but then I don’t really like to write about things that are being discussed over and over and over again. I figure better women than me have already tackled the topic.

So when I woke up in the middle of the night (bad dreams and maybe thunder), I started to think about my kid leaving for college soon. Then I started thinking that I sure wish I believed in a god or goddess so that someone could watch over him and make sure that he doesn’t do any of the really stupid sh*t that freshman do, like drinking into oblivion or getting into a car with a driver who’s had too much mead. And then I thought, hell, if Mary were sending Jesus off to college, this would be an entirely different experience. (Again, this is just for fun, so don’t send any suspicious packages to my home.)

I wonder this:

As Jesus left his house, would he wave to Mary and say, “Don’t cry, Mom, I’ll send messages through Gabriel!”
Would he ride his ass to school, piled high with creature comforts or would he show up, in Jesus-hippie fashion, with just the clothes he slept in and his Mayfair glasses?
Would his friends ask him to turn water into wine beer. How damn convenient would that be when it was late and the keg was tapped out?
Would Jesus share his test answers with his slacker friends, who stayed up too late partying and didn’t study? Jesus always knew the answers, right, even before he learned them?
When Jesus was short on funds, would he ask God to send money, then suddenly say, “F*ck it. He’s never lifted a finger in the past. I’ll call my mother.”
Would Jesus woo co-eds by healing the blind? By walking on ice water? (I swear! It’s not frozen!) Would he tell girls, “It’s just my dad that has hang-ups with nudity?”
Would Jewish students be his frenemies since he’s both a Jewish preacher and King of the Jews?
When he’s getting busy with his girl and she yells, “Oh, God!” would he stop and say, “Yes?”
If his girlfriend gets knocked up, would he say, “Come on, baby. Life doesn’t really begin until you’re out of the chute!”
Would he tell his friends, “Hell, yes, I’m bigger than Steve Jobs. I’m creating Christianity!”
At Christmas, would he get pissed that everyone else was getting gifts, too?
Would he police the eateries to make sure that everyone is giving thanks before breaking bread?
When he sees one of those t-shirts that says, “I’m God’s favorite,” will he be honest and say, God doesn’t have favorites. He abandoned us all on this hostile planet and now he won’t even talk to us.(Talk about passive-aggressive!)
Would Jesus bring his pet opossum, who taught him everything he knows about playing dead (See! I was just kidding!)?
Would he enlighten his friends: “No, no. You’re taking this too seriously. The rapture doesn’t mean you’re literally transported some place. Think: le petit mort”

Add yours: ____________________________________.

Happy Friday!

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58 responses to “If Jesus Went to College

  1. Patti OSullivan

    All his professors would hate him because he’d call them hypocrites. The other students would start skipping class to chillax with Jesus in the quad.

  2. Patti OSullivan

    Jesus would invite townie girls to hang out with his friends and they’d argue over whether or not that was cool.

  3. Patti OSullivan

    After being put on academic probation, Mary comes to give him a come-to-Jesus talk. “You’re crazy!” she tells him. “Go away, woman. You are not my mother,” he says.

  4. Patti OSullivan

    Jesus goes to a Grateful Dead concert and offers the band members everlasting life. They give him a joint and tell him to chill out.

  5. Patti OSullivan

    He’d major in social work with minors in event planning and public speaking.

  6. Patti OSullivan

    OMG, this is too fun, Deborah! I could go on, but I’m going to wait to see what other people write first.

  7. He’d feed an entire Frat party with a single piece of pizza and half a bag of Funions he found in the couch.

  8. “…abandoned us all on this hostile planet…” Hah! “Khaaaaaaan!!!!”

  9. Jesus wouldn’t be allowed to go to Principia College, he drank too much wine. http://kindism.org/2012/10/20/jesus-couldnt-go-to-principia-college/

  10. Sorry, Debbie, I can tell I’m not fully over religion because I can’t read your whole article. I promise it’s nothing personal.

    I recently had a discussion with (Senator) Jason how I had a hard time with his writings only because of his casual use of the word “blasphemy”, but once I realized it didn’t bother me any more I began to follow his blog.

    I have to remind myself that I lived life a certain way for decades, and have only been out for a short time. Healing really does take time.

    I can’t even casually listen to most preachers on TV for a few seconds, see documentaries and horror movies about deliverances/exorcisms, nor can I tolerate watching people being prayed for or wildly speaking in tongues without it all affecting me in a painful way.

    I know you and your compassionate readers will understand. I’ve had an awful lot of good days, but I guess today’s not one of them. Just glancing at your post, and typing this comment is causing me to cry.

    Thank you for having such an amazing blog for over a decade! I appreciate who you are. I’m just reminded that there are some things that I’m not ready for, but I am trying to deal with issues as they come up.

    • @Charity We understand. It takes time but you’ll get there. There are still things I can’t watch or read about, such as documentaries or stories about cults, and I’ve been a non-believer for almost two years now.

      • I can’t watch or read anything about cults either, Michael. What’s even more telling is I could hardly do that while I was still a Christian.

  11. He got in trouble with the grounds crew for commanding one of the trees that wasn’t bearing fruit out of season to wither and die.

    He’d pick up girls with the line, “Hey … wanna see some of my other stigmata?”

  12. Oh Jesus! One of the best blog posts ever!

  13. Would the running back point directly to him in the stands after a touchdown instead of to the sky?

    • Okay, I admit it, this comment was funny, and helped me a bit out of my funk. Then I immediately wanted to get all theological on your ass and say, “No, Michael, he would have still pointed upward because everything he did was for his heavenly father.”

  14. Patti OSullivan

    He’d get Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to write all his papers for him.

    • Funniest one so far!

    • I was gonna add on to this, but it’s so damn good that I’m afraid I would ruin it.

    • LanceThruster

      Indeed. Wouldn’t it have been nice if Jesus had decided to turn in his own work? You’d think the Son of God might have anticipated some of the later confusion arising from avoidable ambiguity.

      On a somewhat related note —

      http://infidel753.blogspot.ca/2013/07/what-makes-us-different.html

      • @LT Really interesting link, I never thought about how important writing was to our development, but it ensures accuracy and that’s key, I guess. Amazing how much we learn in 2nd and 3rd-hand. Wiki is nice because it serves like maintenance workers do for our physical infrastructure. Because we can update and correct info, it helps maintain reliable information. Also, what’s so interesting is that we seem to be progressing at a faster clip. Think how quickly we’ve progressed over the last 100 years. More comforts, more safety, more info, more food, more free time, etc.

      • Lance, I sure have missed my quirky friend, how are you?!

        I am really glad I glanced over these comments again, this one was so worth it! I even told my husband about it. As a Christian I wondered why Jesus didn’t write his own stuff. At first I thought he was illiterate, but how was he able to study the old laws/teachings if he couldn’t read? Maybe he had bad penmanship. It is something I wish I had considered sooner.

        • @Charity – So nice of you to say. I was having medical issues and it’s amazing how I missed ‘checking in’ while I was in distress. There’s a great comment of yours in “Goals” that I want to add to when I get the chance. I’ll make sure I let you all know to go back and check when I do.

          Regards,

          LT

  15. Patti OSullivan

    He’d prank his friends by telling them the wine they were drinking was blood.

  16. This is a great post. And Charity, I don’t know if you will catch this in the growing comments, but you are not alone in this. I know I feel a little uncomfortable sometimes thinking this is great. It’s all about the brainwashing that you are still trying to wring yourself free from. It will get easier! ❤

    • Thank you, Rachael, you’re such a kind person. It just rubbed me the wrong way. This doesn’t happen much, but when it does it catches me off guard and causes me to realize I’m still in the process of deprogramming. Forty years of brainwashing will not just disappear over night.
      Thanks for your sweet words.

  17. Patti OSullivan

    He’d get pissed off at his friends for not pulling an all-nighter with him.

  18. He would toss certain clubs out of the commons area. Knocking over their tables and displays, and throwing their phamplets in the air.

  19. Holy sheet. You guys are so. damn. funny. I think I need to lighten up in my posts! These comments are the funniest!
    Charity–sorry, no disrespect.

    • Oh, Debbie, none taken. Not to sound cliche’, but it seriously is “it’s not you, it’s me!” You’re a constant help for me in my non-belief. There’s just junk I have to work through.

  20. Great to find some humor this Friday. 🙂

  21. LanceThruster

    It might have all come to an end when the Romans were investigated for excessive hazing, but numerous new frats were formed, eagerly awaiting the return of their illustrious alum (who had totally blown their minds before), though not without friction as to who was Jesus’s favorite frat house.

  22. I’ve been following this blog for about a year now and while I have contributed maybe two measly posts – I sure have dug all you have shared, Deborah and the thoughtful comments that follow! I often think how cool it would be to round everyone up and have one big celebratory we-escaped-the-bullshit-let-the-deprogramming-begin-and-while-we’re-at –it-please-pass-me-another-dirty-martini” party.
    For now I will settle for tucking in a comment here and there 
    Made my morning – all of you! Love your wit Deborah 🙂 When I was “in” the church – a good friend of mine (more “in” than me at the time) would watch South Park – his favorite episode – Easter. Talk about blasphemous – holy crap. At the time – I could barely stand to hear him recount the storyline – I kept telling him he was “going to hell” – jokingly (sort of) and he’d just laugh. So, Charity – I can relate.
    For those who are NOT faint of heart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu0-WUu8LCg
    As tough as this may come off – that’s the kind of content that those of us who are still struggling with feeling “bad” or “blasphemous” should watch over and over and over till it no longer stings. (I came from a SDA background so I had to eat lots of shrimp and drink lots of wine in order to really see that the god of my old understanding wasn’t waiting to smash me)
    Currently? After serving in various church positions for 15 yrs – (my husband was a youth pastor) and helping my husband run our save-the-world-from-doom non-profit ministry, we have both dissolved the ministry, left the church we belonged to, and are currently enjoying (and sometimes freaking out over) this stage of our own personal deprogramming. Aanyone else here denounce pop culture and secular news during their zealous stint only to find out later it was like having a huge slice of your life stolen from you?)
    We have three kids – the first was raised in the madness till age 13, (she’s 20 now) the second told us at age 4 she didn’t want to be in church and kept pointing at exit saying, “I wanna go there!” and drawing monsters on her bible school pamphlet (now 14) – we never made her go again. Our last munchkin was born this last January…Yep! And what a freakin’ AWESOME feeling knowing that we are raising him to think for himself and NOT taking him to church to be dedicated to _______ or _______ for the reason of which ________ so he can be ______ and therefore go to __________ and have everlasting ________.
    I hadn’t intended on writing so much but I guess that what’s happens when one obstains from sharing for too long.
    Cheers everyone 

    • Deborah Mitchell

      Hi s.belmonte, Thanks for commenting and for the South Park link. I liked your funnies, too. I’m glad you spoke up. I have heard that often–some people feel that religion has stolen a slice of their lives. I guess if there is any positive aspect it’s only that now you have a renewed appreciation for life.

      Wow. What a spread on ages of your kids. I hope you are able to connect with other secular parents both on-line and around you. Let me know how it’s going.

  23. Haa! I love this! It reminds me of something I read a while back about “If Jesus Were My Boyfriend” or something like that. Pretty funny!

    I hope you don’t get hate mail over this 🙂

  24. Rotten Arsenal

    Can Jesus get fat? Freshman 15?

  25. In a confrontation with a bully, when Jesus said “Wanna piece of me?”- would they understand he was being literal?

    Would he pretend to not know which menstruating co-ed touched the hem of his robe or would he run around quad and really make them work for it?

    Would he be powerful enough to persuade all the trust fund babies to sell everything and follow him?

    How long would it take for students to get tired of seeing the old “pull-the-coin-from-the-fish’s-mouth” trick before they told Jesus to give it a rest?

    Would he drive everyone nuts in art class by lamenting on end the fact that had would have rather saved Van Gogh’s ear vs Malchus’? Enough already.

  26. He doesn’t need school spirit; he has his own personal one.

  27. Would he start his own fraternity and call it Alpha Omega?

  28. I say he goes to Bob Jones or Orel Roberts University and tells them how they have it all wrong.

    And to your first point about your kid going off to college, when I saw my niece getting ready to do the same (going to freshman orientation), I wrote this post for her: http://darwinfish2.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-letter-to-incoming-college-freshman.html

  29. On a serious note (although even as a believer I see the humor in some of these comments. Very clever. My favorite was @MichaelB’s football one although @Patti gets credit for over-achieving on the sheer volume of comments. I feel like she knew the topic beforehand… 😉 ) – I hope things go well for your son at college @Deb. You have mentioned this before so I sense it is weighing heavy on your heart. How could it not. I’m sure it’s scary and I don’t look forward to that day with my kids. I want to tell you it will be easier for me because I have that God you said you wished you had, but I don’t know if that will make my children flying the coop any easier for me. It sounds like you have raised him right and given the parening gig one hell of an effort these past 18 years. What more can you do? Wishing you and him the best.

    • Hi Molly, The best part of this was the comments!

      I really appreciate your kind words. You blink, and your kids are off on their own. (My other still has several more years in high school.) But, while you are sad, this is what you’ve worked hard to help them do…Become independent and take flight. It beats the alternative! 🙂

    • Molly, I have an MA in theology and I teach religion at a university – so, yeah, I had an advantage over some posters here.

      • @Patricia do you teach religion at a public or parochial university? High school ended my ‘official’ classes in religion but I always wished I would’ve take religious electives at college just to keep learning on the topic… Particularly from a different perspective.

    • @LT Very clever post on ways to get yourself saved. I read the first 25, though, and had to skip through the rest. Of course, it’s one of the dozen pages I’ve left up to go back and read more of! 🙂

  30. Humorous as usual 🙂

  31. Jesus wouldn’t go to college: he’d go to a vocational school or enter an apprenticeship for carpentry.

    Jesus has the best cheat in the universe: god! He would ace every test.

    Jesus would automatically be the president of the local Campus Chirstians student organization.

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