*Warning: This material is meant only for entertainment. If you are god-fearing in any way, please stop reading here.
I was going to write about the idea of redemption and Carlos Danger, but then I don’t really like to write about things that are being discussed over and over and over again. I figure better women than me have already tackled the topic.
So when I woke up in the middle of the night (bad dreams and maybe thunder), I started to think about my kid leaving for college soon. Then I started thinking that I sure wish I believed in a god or goddess so that someone could watch over him and make sure that he doesn’t do any of the really stupid sh*t that freshman do, like drinking into oblivion or getting into a car with a driver who’s had too much mead. And then I thought, hell, if Mary were sending Jesus off to college, this would be an entirely different experience. (Again, this is just for fun, so don’t send any suspicious packages to my home.)
I wonder this:
As Jesus left his house, would he wave to Mary and say, “Don’t cry, Mom, I’ll send messages through Gabriel!”
Would he ride his ass to school, piled high with creature comforts or would he show up, in Jesus-hippie fashion, with just the clothes he slept in and his Mayfair glasses?
Would his friends ask him to turn water into
wine beer. How damn convenient would that be when it was late and the keg was tapped out?
Would Jesus share his test answers with his slacker friends, who stayed up too late partying and didn’t study? Jesus always knew the answers, right, even before he learned them?
When Jesus was short on funds, would he ask God to send money, then suddenly say, “F*ck it. He’s never lifted a finger in the past. I’ll call my mother.”
Would Jesus woo co-eds by healing the blind? By walking on
ice water? (I swear! It’s not frozen!) Would he tell girls, “It’s just my dad that has hang-ups with nudity?”
Would Jewish students be his frenemies since he’s both a Jewish preacher and King of the Jews?
When he’s getting busy with his girl and she yells, “Oh, God!” would he stop and say, “Yes?”
If his girlfriend gets knocked up, would he say, “Come on, baby. Life doesn’t really begin until you’re out of the chute!”
Would he tell his friends, “Hell, yes, I’m bigger than Steve Jobs. I’m creating Christianity!”
At Christmas, would he get pissed that everyone else was getting gifts, too?
Would he police the eateries to make sure that everyone is giving thanks before breaking bread?
When he sees one of those t-shirts that says, “I’m God’s favorite,” will he be honest and say, God doesn’t have favorites. He abandoned us all on this hostile planet and now he won’t even talk to us.(Talk about passive-aggressive!)
Would Jesus bring his pet opossum, who taught him everything he knows about playing dead (See! I was just kidding!)?
Would he enlighten his friends: “No, no. You’re taking this too seriously. The rapture doesn’t mean you’re literally transported some place. Think: le petit mort”
Add yours: ____________________________________.